Peppermints are Bad for You

Sun, Sea and Sand equals a holiday for four hard working Voyager crewmen

By Dave Fergusson

Tom Paris climbed out of a wall panel leading to a Jeffries tube in the corridor outside Holodeck 3. He had been in and out of there for most of the afternoon, putting the finishing touches to his new masterpiece. In the previous few weeks, most of Tom’s spare time had been spent writing this programme. He hoped that this would be his best simulation yet, better than ‘Captain Proton’s Adventures’, ‘Sandrine’s Marseille Bar’ and ‘Sullivan’s Pub’ in the nineteenth Century Irish Village of ‘Fair Haven’ combined together. He wondered if he could get an agent, and a distribution deal like the Doctor did, or if he might enter it into one of the Federation Holo-novel competitions; and try for a gold medal in the Orion Cup.

Tom pressed a button on the wall panel and the Holodeck doors slid back. He walked out into a field on a bright sunny summer day. There was a light breeze and the air was full of natural fresh smells, Tom took in a deep breath, and then he realised that he had stood in one source of them. After cleaning his shoe he went back to the doorway.

“Computer, Arch!” instructed Tom, and the control Arch appeared above and to each side of him. Tom completed some final adjustments to the Holodeck controls, and finished off the reconfiguration of the optical nano-processors. He hadn’t meant to spend so much time working on these alterations, but earlier he had found a glitch in a section of omni-directional holo diodes. When he ran a diagnostic on all the system matrix files he was unable to locate the problem. He had to get Lieutenant Carey’s help before he was eventually able to repair the malfunctioning wall sub processor layer so it again possessed a physical reality.

Tom put away his coil spanner set and was about to finish, but then he had an afterthought. He smiled as he added a control lock on some of the graviton inverter circuits, to erect an anti-grav force field in an area around the Doctors head. He went back out into the corridor and inside the wall panel a final time. He then replaced the control panel flap back into the wall, covering over the blinking lights on the circuit boards, and let it snap into place.

“Computer,” instructed Tom, “upload and initiate alterations to the ‘Spanish island programme 025B’.”

“Authorisation code required,” stated the ship’s computer.

“Engineering code, Paris-theta-lambda-5-5-4-2-blue.”

“Alterations confirmed, ‘programme 025B’ is already in use,” replied Voyager’s computer.

Tom entered the Holodeck again, carefully walking through the field with its grazing horses. The two white and brown mares crossed the field and came up to the fence to greet him. They stuck their heads over the wooden crossbar and nuzzled his jacket pockets.

“I don’t think that you will like these, they aren’t the same as yesterday,” Tom said to the horses.

He stroked their manes, and then he took something out of his pocket and fed them.

“That was my last packet!” Tom exclaimed, “They weren’t meant for you!”

Tom left the horses, and continued walking down to the seashore. When he reached the dunes, he then took a palm-fringed promenade along the wide sandy beach towards the town, to where the others were already waiting for him. He had decided that the Voyager crew needed an alternative to ‘Sandrine’s Bar’, for socialising on warm summer evenings in a more vibrant environment. Also, his studies of twentieth Century Earth history and culture had also now reached the late 1990’s and he wanted to take them to a real ‘Rave’ tonight. He carried a backpack full of glow sticks, glow necklaces, glow bracelets and light sticks for them to take along.

The beach was overflowing with sunbathers, surfers, volleyball players, and swimmers. Speedboats and Jet skis flew by close to the shore. This was just exactly the way that he had imagined the beach, and he was looking forward to trying some of the water sports himself in the future. The town itself seemed to almost climb up the hill, from the small bar on the beach, to the Cathedral on the cliff top. The ‘Azulejos Bar’ in Calle de la Virgin, where Tom was heading, was a recent building with whitewashed cement walls, and it seemed out of place among the dramatic cliffs beside it. Next to the bar were two half-finished hotels, complete with builders and a cement mixer, for added realism. After the long walk, Tom was out of breath by the time he entered the bar.

The Doctor was thoroughly enjoying this new Holodeck simulation of the island of Ibiza, which Tom had only recently brought online. Tom certainly had interesting ideas for his Holo-settings. During the afternoon the Doctor had wandered through the cobbled streets of the Old Town, and strolled around the winding lanes of the port area. Tom had told him that this was the place to meet the most beautiful men and women from all over the Earth, and to see nightly extravaganzas in the streets that can't be believed, but he had immersed himself instead in the ancient architecture, interesting culture and history of the town.

He sat with Seven of Nine and B’Elanna, at a table in the seafront pavement bar trying to whistle the ‘Toreador’ from the opera ‘Carman’. He knew that it was a story concerning a Spanish Bullfighter, but was hoping to add something more to his Holo-matrix about the plot, and maybe learn a little Spanish language, or see an actual Bullfight. Unfortunately, Tom Paris had less aesthetic tastes, and this simulation was much more of an appreciation of beautiful people, and of the sun, sea and sand.

Seven and B’Elanna were dressed in light summer frocks, baseball caps and flip-flops. The two women had spent the afternoon admiring the stunning views across the bay, and browsed through the many and varied stalls and shops in the market. Even though it appeared that the entire island had visited the hippy market at the same time, they had managed to find some bargain buys on leather goods, trinkets and hand knitted clothes.

“Tom,” said B’Elanna, “the stitching is coming loose in this cardigan. It’s very poor quality!”

“Don’t blame me, I didn’t write that into the programme,” said Tom, “Why don’t you take it back to the stall and have it replaced?”

“I tried to,” replied B’Elanna, “but the market trader said that the goods were sold as seen!”

The Doctor was dressed in a brightly coloured Hawaiian shirt, long knee-length baggy khaki shorts, and leather sandals with white socks. Only these circumstances could ever induce him to wear the ‘Kiss me Quick’ hat. Tom had told him that everyone wore them in this time period and geographical region. However, after seeing the Holodeck characters in the bar and in the streets, he was now acutely aware that he looked very silly, and that it was totally out of place here. Obviously, for some reason Tom had lied to him about the hat. He attempted to remove it, but found that it wouldn’t budge. It seemed to be glued on to his head somehow. From his huge smile, the Doctor was sure that Tom must have something to do with it.

“Please remove this thing from my head,” said the Doctor.

“Computer, release control lock R-7-2, authorisation Paris-theta-lambda-5-5-4-2-blue.”

“Authorisation confirmed, control lock has been removed,” replied the Computer.

“Thank you, and do you think someone could paint the walls in here?” asked the Doctor.

The cocktail bar was simply furnished and decorated, with cheap pine furniture, and walls that were little more than unfinished plaster. A huge ceiling fan kept a cool breeze flowing through the room. The whole frontage opened up, straight out onto the beach, with a canvas canopy, which rolled down to keep off the midday sun, and the unlikely event of a rain shower.

“The bar has only just been opened by the owner, they haven’t had time yet to paint it. It is just the start of the summer tourist season. The new Dance club at the rear of the bar has its launch night tonight. That’s the whole point of the simulation!” said Tom.

Just then Harry arrived after an afternoon Parascending on the beach.

“This is a great simulation Tom,” said Harry, “but do we have to have the construction site next door?”

“ Why is everyone a Holo-critic today?” asked Tom rhetorically, “Computer, eliminate all construction noise.”

“Acknowledged!” replied the Computer.

The bar was well stocked with a wide variety of authentic spirits, beers and wines. They were all drinking Synthehol Vodka with various different sparkling fruit flavoured mixers. It also served traditional Earth foods such as Hot Dog, Pizza, Hamburger, Chips and Kebabs. However, Tom still felt that there was some atmosphere and ambiance missing from the bar. Actually, he began to wish that he could replace the crew with some more enthusiastic Holo-characters.

“Computer,” instructed Tom, “create ‘Jukebox example 5H’ and position at the wall by the bar flap,”

“Acknowledged!” replied the computer. Almost immediately the twentieth Century music-playing machine appeared. Tom walked up to it, placed some coins in a slot and pressed some buttons. The machine began producing some ancient ditty from a selection called ‘70’s Disco Fever’.

“Computer,” instructed Tom, “increase wave noise levels by factor 2, ambient temperature by factor 2, and ambient light levels by factor 3”.

“Acknowledged!” replied the computer.

“There,” said Tom, “almost got it right now!”

“Tom,” said B’Elanna, “will you stop fiddling about with it, and come and enjoy it. We have to be back on duty in a few hours.”

“Just one final thing,” he replied, “then it’s really finished.”

Tom had recently developed a craving for twentieth Century sweets. As usual, he wanted them to try some of his new sweet stuff. In the previous days, sherbet dips, liquorice laces, jelly babies and fruit lollipops had all been given the spotlight, but today Tom was introducing them to Polo mints.

“Computer,” instructed Tom, “create ‘Vending machine example 7F’ and position by the window.”

“Acknowledged!” replied the computer. Almost instantly another contemporary machine appeared in the bar, in the corner of the room. Tom walked up to it, placed some coins in a slot and pressed some buttons. Something dropped down to the base of the machine, and Tom removed it.

“Try some of these,” said Tom, “I’ve already found that the horses love them.”

Tom opened up a green packet, and handed around some of the sweets.

“These are very bad for your teeth,” said the Doctor, “They were proven to cause tooth decay, and Federation children were banned from eating them in 2054.”

“So Naomi Wildman can’t have any! I wasn’t offering them to her, Doc!” said Tom.

Seven took a mint from Tom and considered it carefully. She methodically sucked it, and then swallowed it.

“Crystallized sugar made by repeated boiling and slow evaporation, with essence of an aromatic culinary herb of genus Mentha added during the state of flux of the ingredients,” announced Seven.

“Would you like a packet of them?” Tom asked Seven, “They come in five packs, so you can have the third of five,” he joked.

“This confectionary is inefficient,” suddenly exclaimed Seven, “Borg mints would be extra strong, the flavour would be longer lasting and they would not waste the piece in the middle. In addition, this silver foil packaging is too extravagant. The Borg would look for perfection in a lozenge.”

“I’m surprised that the Borg are even aware of Earth candies,” said Tom.

“After the Borg attack on Sector 001, and the Battle of Wolf 359 in 2367, the Borg assimilated knowledge of all human bonbons,” replied Seven, “We understand the concept of taste, but find them unproductive, having no intrinsic nutritional value. They expend time, nothing more.”

“So I guess I’ll take that as a no then,” said Tom.