Drabbles in Tongues
This started as a Drabble/monologue with all the best intentions of extending into a full monologue. Then a few people offered translations into other dialects, now it seems to have become a fascinating exercise in writing dialects-
Like all good monologues they best read aloud in the relevant accent for best effect.
All renditions say exactly the same thing, just differently. It just proves theres none that speaks as funny as the locals
Constructive criticism and comments are welcome on e-mail story@rgower.plus.com
It started with this in Burnley, Lancs.
“Why do Klingons ‘ave lumpy ‘eads, Dad?” Little Jim said. (A Trek fan, ‘orribly sad.)
Father looked up from ‘paper, glasses at end of nose. “That’s obvious our son,” he declared ‘orribly sure. “It saves ‘em time an’ ‘cos they’ve no Wednesday’s in the week.”
Little Jim looked at Dad ‘orribly ‘plexed, so Dad relented and explained just a bit.
“When our Sam gets paid, he goes t’ pub, ‘nd our Jill cracks him a lump on t’ crown. Wit’ no day wit’out pay and drink, Mrs Klingon gives ‘em lotsa lumps. That’s why Klingons ‘ave lumpy ‘eads, our kid.”
Or if you prefer in Geordi:- (Thanks to Dave for the rendition)
"D’ ya knaa why Klingons hez lumpy ‘eads, Dad?" sez Wor Jack. (A Trek fan, awful sad.)
Wor Dad looks up. "A’ll tell ya straight wor Jack," he sez like. "It saves ‘em time ‘cos there’s nee Wednesday’s in the week."
Wor Jack looks at Dad a bit strange like, so Dad explained a bit more.
"When wor Sam comes ‘oot the pit, he gans t’ boozer, and wor Jill cracks him a lump on ‘is crown. When he gans hjem wi’ nee pay or drink, Mrs Klingon gives ‘im lotsa lumps. That’s why Klingons hez lumpy ‘eads, wor Jack."
If that fails try in PC Queens English:-
“Why do Klingons have bumps on their heads, Father?” Young Jim asked. (A StarTrek fan, so terribly sad.)
His father peered up from his newspaper. “The reason is obvious, Jim!” He declared. “It is because they are working class and not imbided with a weekly income.”
Young Jim looked at Father in confusion, so he relented a little and elucidated.
“When a worker gets paid he goes to the ale house. Then his wife hits him for being drunk, raising a lump on his head. Klingons having no particular payday manages to drink every day and is struck every day.”
Or Glaswegian:-
“D’ya ken Klingons ha’ bumpy heeds?” Wee Jim ask he’s De’ed (A braw wee Treki fan).
His De’ed look op from he porridge and say, “Och! D’ye ken i’s obvious, Jimmy lad. It save braw wee teem an’a no Windsd’y ina week.”
Wee Jimmy looked at he’s De’ed awfu’ confused an’ he’s De’ed explain a dram.
“When Sam ges peed from pickling herring, Jill smacks him ona heed fur gittin drunk. Wi’ dee wit out shullin’s fur a dram, Klingons git pissed ever’ dee an’ gits smacked ona heed from he’s ol’ scrote. N’ya ken Klingons ha’ bumpy heeds.”
Finally I have one in Cockney Slang:-
“Ere Dad. Why’s Kilingons got lumpy ‘eads?” Jim asked, chirpy sparra.
His dad looked up from the paper and thought a tad. “Easy my Cocker! Stand to reason, dun’ it. They ain’t got no Wednesday in the week.”
Little Jim looked at Dad ‘orribly ‘plexed, he Eved him not a jot.
“When Sam gets ‘is lol, ‘e spends a monkey darn the Elephant, ‘n’ the strife gives him rabbit ‘n’ clocks him ‘im rand the nog. Klingons get arfured every day, cos theres no day wif art pay, his strife gives ‘em daisy fresh. That’s why Klingons ‘ave lumpy ‘eads.”
Classic Evils- By Gater:-
"Vy do zee Klingons ave lumpee heds mein Vater?" Leetle Jim said (he was a Trek fan-its a requirement at Evil College)
His Vater looked up from the bomb he was constructing. "Vell mein Sohn" he cackled " zat ist obvious, muhahahahahaha, it ist because zey hav no Vednesdays in zer veek"
Little Jim looked submissive yet confused so his Vater put down his Plutonium and explained further.
"Ven ve get our money from blackmailing ze world, ve go to ze pub to celebrate, zer we meet a Bond girl who vacks us over ze head. And since for ze Klingons, everyday is a blackmailing day, den ze Klingon Bondgirls hav a lot more opportunities to vack zem over ze head, thus causing a lot more bumps than on human supervillians heads and zat ist how they hav lumpee heads"
"Now mein Sohn go get me the Uranium i hav a cunning plan...................."
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